Love after all of these years

July 13

Almost 30 years since I first met Bert, so many things have changed yet the love I feel for her remains.  Somtimes quiet, sometimes loud, somtimes angry, somtimes parental but always love.  We were at a kid park the other day riding a train and by train I mean a small barrel on wheels.  We were riding on the back with the rest of my family in front of us.  it was the most romantic moment we had in the last few months.  No grand gestures just the two of us on a moving barrel and I was reminded life is made up of moments.  Each moment is important and it only takes a moment to change a life time.  The moment I saw her standing in front of the church changed the next 30 years.  One phone call made me a mom, one shot took my dad, one train ride made me fall in love again.  What moment will change you this week?

May 9, 2011

I can’t believe it has been 6 weeks since my last post.  I guess it’s true what they say, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”  I have intended to write but just haven’t gotten around to it.  In the process, I also haven’t gotten around to keeping on a healthy eating schedule.  My amazing sister in law came to visit and brought See’s candy.  That’s the equivalent of giving a meth addict a new pipe!  It started with the See’s, moved to the pie store and ended up with ice cream from Snow Goose.  Now those of you from this area or who have visited in the summer know that Snow Goose is the home of the 1 pound ice cream cone, literally they weigh one pound.  I think that’s where one of pounds came from.  I have gained 3 pounds since I last wrote.  What’s that?  I can’t hear you over the snorting pig noises in the back ground.  Seriously, I made it through lent giving up sugar (except for the weekend, one does want to be balanced) and then came the crack candy and the food addict in me threw caution to the wind.  Now it is not her fault, how would my sister in law know that a simple gesture of candy would send me spiraling down the staircase to hell?  After all she is thin, beautiful and short of a fascination for Dr Pepper and scones with lemon curd, she can handle anything.  I, however, can’t be trusted with an entire box of candy.  It starts out with I can handle this, I’ll just have one and then moves into well, she is visiting and I wouldn’t want to be rude and not take her for ice-cream and somehow it ends up with a feed bag on the end of my nose thinking OMG, what have I done.  Well, the good news is I caught it at three pounds, not 20 and today I am back on track.  With a little luck, a whole lot of prayer and the house purged of all things chocolate, I’ll lose those three pounds by the end of the week.  Wish me luck!

March 26, 2011

There is surely a piece of divinity in us, something that was born before the elements and owes no homage to the sun.

Sir Thomas Browne

A piece of divinity in each of us…  That feels like a profound statement to me.  Today as I sit at my desk and feel the warmth of the sun on my back, I am reminded that a piece of the Divine is in me and it gives me a sense of purpose and belonging. Spring has sprung in the Pacific Northwest. Birds are singing, the sun is shining (some of the time) the trees are in bloom and all is well.  There is something special about living in a part of the country where there are true seasons.  As soon as spring hits, weather its sunny or not, people are more alive, friendlier.  All of the plant stands are full and people are roaming around with a smile on their face.  In Bellingham you know its spring because the musicians have hit the streets and the Farmers Market opens.  I am reminded how little financial wealth really matters.  It’s really about how much joy do you have in your life and joy, in its many forms, is free.  So take a minute to think about what brings you joy, where is your peace and then you will find the piece of divinity that is in all of us.

March 3, 2011

And when your children’s children think themselves alone in the silence of the pathless wood, they will not be alone.  At night when the streets of your cities and villages are silent, and you think them deserted, they will throng with the returning hosts that once filled them and still love this beautiful land.  You will never be alone. Chief Seattle

I have always liked this quote.  It illustrates beautifully a sense of history and makes me think that we are all connected and there is something greater than ourselves working in the universe.

Last night, this quote had a new meaning for me.  My daughter is amazing.  She is funny, sweet, loving she is also a tad needy.  After being home for a few days with Chicken Pox she had a hard time adjusting to her sleep schedule again.  1:00 am I feel a small hand reach out and touch me.  Mama, I miss you, (when your children’s children think themselves alone in the silence of the pathless wood, they will not be alone) I want to sleep with you.  This always causes a conflict for me.  On one hand my sweet little girl needs her mama on the hand my devoted spouse needs her sleep and for some reason, can’t do that with a forty pound pole digging into her back.  I say that because my daughter refuses to sleep in the same direction as the rest of the people in the bed.  She also digs her feet into you and slaps you in the face with her tiny flailing hands.  So, I get up and put her back in her bed, 15 minutes later, I hear I really need you, can I please, please, please sleep with you (You will never be alone)? So, I pick her up and lay her next to me on the opposite side of my partner.  Just as I start to drift off, smack a direct hit to the nose! OK, let’s try this again.  It’s now 2:00 am and we all have to wake up in a few hours.  I carry her to her bed, secure her stuffed animals to her side and cover her up with the appropriate bedding (flannel sheets, soft fuzzy blanket grandma made, princess comforter and fleece blanket) for a house where the heat is set at 60.  That’s another story for another day. Mama, says a small sweet voice, can you sleep with me in my bed for awhile?  For goodness sake, shoot me now!  Its 2:30 am I am wide awake and I need to get up and go to work in 3 hours.  Sure honey.  I move the animals, get under the blankets and try to be still and send sleep vibes her way.  3:00 am, success!  She is asleep.  I tip toe into my room trying not to wake my other bed buddy, and lay there awake for another 30 minutes.  It amazes me what you can think about in the wee hours of the morning.  All of that being said, I am so thankful I am her Mama!

Day 41

When we were going through the process of adopting our kids we learned an interesting phenomenon that happens to people around trauma or loss.  Somewhere, deep inside us there is something in the brain that acknowledges loss.  For example, Justin was taken from his birth mothers home and placed with his grandmother on the 15^th of the month, we also took him from Iowa around the middle of the month.  When he first came to live with us he would turn into a different child the middle of each month.  You could almost set your clock by it.  He would act up, become defiant, and unmanageable.  He did this EVERY month for the first year two years and still acts out in the same way every few months, during the middle of the month.  We spoke with the social worker and she said it was very common for children to do this and adults do this as well.  You don’t really know why Aprils a bad month for you, but it always has been, or why the first day of school is really tuff or ….the list goes on.  But somewhere, inside of our subconscious, there is memory that runs so deep that it is part of our DNA.  Well, that’s what happened today.  I was so sad and weepy, I couldn’t figure out what was going on with me. I don’t usually feel despair and that’s exactly what I felt.  Then I saw something that reminded me, today is the day my dad died.  Died is the polite way of saying committed suicide.  My brave cop, funny, fashion forward, lover of all the finer things, often politically incorrect father took a gun to his head and shot himself.  I can’t even begin to convey how shocking that was.  I had just spoken with him the week before, he was ranting on and on about President Obama.  He was doing his best to get a rise out of me as he often did.  Ever since I was a small child my good hearted dad would wax on about the supremacy of white people.  I don’t think he really believed it, I think it was his way.  Bob Malone, underneath the cigarettes, the swearing, and the racial slurs was all heart.  A good man who after arresting illegal immigrants, would take the cash they had on them and wire it to their family in Mexico because he knew the boarder guards would take it from them.  He was so funny he could make you snort, cry and pee your pants all at the same time.  He was also a little crazy, he taught me things like don’t ever start a fight but if someone starts a fight with you, you better win it.  He taught me how to slam my fist up someone’s nose to render them helpless.  He taught me never to get in a car with someone who was going to hurt me, because when we arrived at the destination, they would kill me so it was better to take my chances on the outside.  Not the usual things a father teaches a daughter, but it was his way of keeping me safe. He was an eye for an eye kind of guy, and sadly there is a piece of that in me that I struggle with sometimes, especially if you hurt someone I love. He also took me camping and fishing, taught me how to ride a horse, and how to be a MALONE (that can go either wayJ).  If you have seen All My Children, this will make sense to you, Erica Cane always refers to herself as Erica Cane, as though she is a force to be reckoned with. That’s how it was for my father, you’re a MALONE.  And even now, when I am really scared, I can hear his voice, “You’re a Malone damn it.” All in all in the clearest pictures I have in my heart of my dad is of him laughing, holding pinkies as we walked together, seeing him cry like his heart was breaking when my mom left him, and the tears he shed when I went away to college.  He was my hero, my toughest critic, fiercely protective and…my daddy.

Day 30

I have a dilemma, what to do about people with bad breath.  I get paid to tell people how not to be stinky, well that’s not what I get paid to do but over the course of many years dealing with folks who need housing or employment it has been my job to offer guidance.  Sometimes that guidance includes telling people to brush their teeth and wear deodorant.  It’s not a problem for me and thankfully, I don’t offend people. (Well at least not in that way.)  Today, for example, we had a woman come in with tattooed polka dots for eyebrows. She also had a bone in her nose and skull stiletto heels with torn jeans.  I had a conversation with her asking her what her goals were and she said kindergarten teacher.  REALLY?!  So then we had a conversation about her “look” and she agreed that perhaps, we could make some changes. No fuss no muss.  That’s not my dilemma. My question is what to do with the woman at … who is lovely in every way except she has bad breath and she wants to kiss me (on the cheek) each week when she sees me.  Now, we all have the occasional halitosis, I know that.  I have my share of nightmares where it’s me speaking to people while smelling of yesterdays garlic pizza.  But how do you pull away without offending or hurting the person?  Do you say something?  Trust me, if you can smell my breath, I would want to know.  Maybe my issue is with the kissing.  I am uncomfortable with people I don’t know well kissing me.  What if I bob and they weave and our lips meet?  UGH!  Any ideas are welcome. Bad breath busters, should you ever need them…Altoids, sip some water, and apparently eating an apple works well.  Random kissing is a little more difficult.  Europe perhaps.

Day 31

Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead."- Louisa May Alcott

Well let me tell you today has been like that, far away, there in the sunshine, I have aspirations of healthy eating and a slimmer me.  However, here, in the rain shadow, I see visions of french fries dancing in my head!  I can smell them, literally taste them and their warm salty goodness.  Why does that happen to us?   We have the best intensions of doing something perfectly,  for just one day and then somehow we find ourselves with our heads in a chip bag licking crumbs.  Oh well, there is always tomorrow. 

Day 25

What is it about some people?  Everything is a fight, nothing is quite good enough unless their fingers have touched it somehow and heaven forbid you should try something new.  Relinquishing power is a dance, which if done well, can actually bring balance to your life and a sense of calm.  Some people live in a stormy sea and can’t wait to take the rest of us down with them!  I want to pull my hair out.  Now, let it be said, I know I am a control freak and my trust is not easily won.  However, there are those among us that make me look like a 4 year old who needs her mommy and today I had to deal with her…A LOT!  She is one of those people that just the opening of her mouth makes every eye in the room roll.  One of those people you try not to invite to a meeting because everything will take twice as long and nothing will be resolved.  You know they type, I think this idea is better because its mine and the rest of you hate it, that type.  What to do with her????

Day 28

“Our poverty damages our dignity." Cesar Chavez

I was leading a workshop today and as I looked around the room at the faces of each person in the room I was reminded of this quote.  Each person was on TANF, (welfare) and each of them looked so dejected. It is shameful in this country, even in this economy, to be a person living on the “system”.  One woman said to me last week, “I have had to get food stamps many times but I never had to take the check until now.”  Somehow taking the check is one of the lowest places we can go.  The only other place that is lower is being homeless and many of these folks are.  You see it written on them like a scarlet letter, WELFARE RECIEPIENT.  They have no dignity and when you have no dignity you can’t figure a way out, a way to make it stop.  I firmly believe this is what causes generational poverty.  Somehow in an attempt to live with the shame of collecting that check, folks normalize it and when that happens, children see it as a way to live.  I have seen this for the last 13 years.  The only way I have been able to cope with it has been to do my best to educate around it.  Show them there is a better way, offer education, tools to be successful, ask them if this is they life they want for their children.  Inevitably the answer is no, so I then ask them to tell me their dreams and once they can see a little freedom, we can move mountains.  It’s a process.  Then I began to think of other ways poverty can appear and I thought of my own life.  Poverty of health.  I am so fat, that sometimes I think I will never get out of this hole.  I have shame surrounding my weight and I fear I am passing that on to my children.  I don’t want them to be ashamed to have me come to their school or meet their friends. I have been fat for so long that I have normalized it.  I found a way to live with it.  Well I don’t want to anymore!  I sometimes feel like my life is always going to be like this and I can’t see a way out.  So, today, I decided to take my own advice and write down my dreams.  I hope the glimpse of good health that I saw will be enough to carry me through the next few days.  I have gained 2 of the 8 pounds I had lost and I really feel like see, you will ALWAYS be fat.  I really need to believe the dream to get to the other side. I always get to this point and then throw in the towel.  At 46, I need to keep moving forward or dig a grave. Here is to the dream