Day 5

Germs. I am just going to say it.  I am a germ phoebe.  I don’t like to touch grocery cart handles, I really hate using the community pen at the grocery store every time you write a check and if someone coughs or sneezes on me, forget about it.  I do my best not to read things that have to do with germs or bacteria or kootties of any kind however, there are those articles that the radio station gets a hold of and they feel compelled to share the information with the rest of us.  For example, never sit your purse on your desk or table because there are every kind of make you violently ill or kill your germs on the bottom.  I hear that at 5:00, on the ride home and then Aunt Millie ( a made up name to protect the innocent) comes over and sets her contaminated Coach bag on my dining room table.  REALLY?! Then it’s all I can do not to knock the thing off the table and scream, “For the love of god, what are you doing?!!”  Sadly, my phobias can cause embarrassment for my family.  If you have germ issues, please skip down to Day 6 because this will rock you to your very foundation.  3D eye glasses, that are given out at the movie theaters, brand new from the package, have been known to cause pink eye. That’s right, PINK EYE.  Again, this was reported on by the news media and I could not escape hearing this information.  So, I have a solution.  Hand sanitizer.  I rub hand sanitizer on each pair of glasses before anyone is allowed to put them on.  My children are so used to this that they hand them over before each 3D movie.  They wonder why other Mama’s aren’t doing this. My daughter says, “Their Mamas must not care if they get germs in their eyes.”  (Talk about future counseling bills) and still, I cannot stop myself.  I feel compelled to share this information with everyone in the theater within ear shot.  Often I am greeted with an icy stare, but on occasion, there is a “good” mama who will opt to use my sanitizer.  At that moment, I know why I am here on this earth.  It is to make everyone’s world just a little safer. J

Day 6

I went upstairs this morning to get breakfast ready for everyone.  On the counter, my daughter saw the latest People magazine.  What, I like the articles. It was the first of the year look at people who lost a lot of weight.  It dawns on me, the process of losing weight successfully must really be an enigma.  Otherwise why would they prance a few people out every year to tell their stories?  If everybody could do it, it wouldn’t be news. Anyway, she sees the photo of an emaciated woman above the picture of her formally round self and says to me, “Mama, I don’t want you to lose your fat.” so sweet.  It’s wonderful to know that someone in the world accepts you just as you are.  I explain to her Mama has to lose weight to be healthy.  No, she says, I want you fat.  Why, I ask.  Because I like to put my head on your big bum and dance around.  Oh that the world would view fat people in that light.  Don’t get me wrong, I know my weight has become unmanageable and it is not healthy to be at least 100 pounds overweight but, to see her face as she runs up to me and smashes into my body, sheer joy.  Somewhere inside myself, deep inside myself, there is a voice that says that’s how God sees me.  He is unable to look beyond the sagging boobs and cellulite to the person that cries at Hallmark commercials.  I have never been thin, size 9 lasted for about a year at the age of 13.  I was at my healthiest when I was a size 13 and that’s where I want to go again.  I remember an incident from a few years ago, my mom sent me a photo of myself and the caption read, “Remember this pretty girl?” I thought yes I do, that’s the size I was when you told me how fat I was.  Thus began the journey of never quite good enough.  What did she mean, remember that pretty girl?  Am I not pretty now?  I wasn’t pretty then either to hear her tell it.  Somehow, the fatter I got the size 13, 18 pictures became pretty?  I was a size 13 when that picture was taken.  I ran every day, played sports, had thin friends (which was very important), got straight A’s despite being a bit of an excessive talker, what was wrong with me?  What is wrong with me?  Weight is something that everyone feels they have right to discuss with you.  People feel it’s acceptable to stare or make comments.  Most don’t take the time to look beyond the shell and most feel uncomfortable to be seen with you.  I listened to a radio talk show the other day and they were talking about this new TV show called Mike and Molly.  They went on and on about how disgusting it was.  How they had to turn their heads when Mike and Molly kissed because they almost threw up.  Adults, on public radio talking freely about how gross this show was, other adults calling in and agreeing that it was worse than seeing bloody organs on the medical shows, not one person called in to say anything positive.  I thought to myself, what kind of show is this?  How did it get to be on TV?  I should check this horrible show out and see for myself.  So I did.  The most disgusting show on TV, the show that garnered such disdain, Mike and Molly. Mike and Molly are fat people who date.  They show them kissing and in bed together. That’s it and that is the most disgusting thing that people have seen on TV.  REALLY?  So, if that is THE MOST DISGUSTING show on TV, what does that make me in real life? Now I don’t feel disgusting (most days) and my partner makes me feel beautiful and sexy, and my daughter loves my big bum and God loves my fat lesbian self, you would think it would be enough, but it’s not.  Because every day I have to go into the real world and see those stares and hear those words.  I have to work twice as hard to feel OK about me, forget good about me.  At the end of this year, no matter what happens, I want to feel GREAT about me.