Ramblings of a Fat Lesbian Housewife a journey of weight loss and introspection

Day 1

Well, the New Year has begun and I kicked it off in a particularly unusual way.  I did the Polar Bear Plunge.  Let me tell you, I felt like a Polar Bear.  I believe I was the only one standing on the beach in a lavender sweat shirt and long black sweats.  Does that bring a particular vision to mind?  Well let’s just try to erase it, shall we?  I have to say even though I was a “vision”, and looked different from most of the others, I felt included somehow in the frivolity.  A young woman from my work came with me to offer support and experience a new beginning of her own. I am thankful to her because I doubt I would have really moved my fat ass, across the frozen tundra, without her.  OK it wasn’t frozen tundra, but it was cold, 28 degrees.  You will find by reading my thoughts and sharing my life, I have a flare for the dramatic.  Sometimes it serves me well and sometimes it bites me but never the less, it is who I am.  Doing the plunge was my way of kick starting the year, something so new and foreign to me that I would be motivated to lose 100 pounds, and become physically active once again. I have become a giant couch potato and at 46, I really do not have an excuse.  Wait, give me a minute, I may be able to think of one.  No, nothing comes to mind.  Thus the reason I have to take a long hard look at myself and get going.  I was watching Oprah the other day (please, don’t act like you are above it) and she said that you must get to the root of why you eat before you can be successful.  Well, let me tell you, I have been digging for some time and I don’t have anything.  I really can’t explain why I weigh what I do.  In fact, when I look at what I eat, I don’t think it’s that much or that bad.  I mean I have seen people on talk shows that are fat and they say things like, “I ate 3 Big Macs for lunch every day and washed it down with a large strawberry shake and fries, followed by a diet coke.”  For some reason there is always diet coke involved with what fat people eat.  I don’t get it, it’s not like they don’t like sugar. I can honestly say, I have never eaten three of anything in one sitting, and yet still fat.  So, this is where I begin, accepting the fact that I am fat and praying to God that there is truth to the theory of muscle memory!  I used to run, I used to walk and jump and...let’s hope those little muscles can dig deep and find a way to move again.  

Day 2 and 3

Well, let’s just say old habits die hard.  Before you think I caved in and ate the handmade, chocolate covered, turtle from the best candy store in La Conner WA, let me just say I didn’t.  But I wanted to.  Day 2 was fairly uneventful.  I kept track of all the food that went in my mouth, I drank the appropriate amount of water, I snacked liked a civilized human being etc.  Day 3 however, had its own challenges.  My partner is out of town on business.  I had the kids all to myself and for whatever reason they decided they hated me!  It wasn’t pretty.  My day at worked sucked and all I could think about was that chocolate covered turtle.  Maybe a little bite wouldn’t hurt, knowing all the while if I gave in to that I would become a whirling dervish of sugar inhaling destruction.  You know, the moment that all reason goes out the window and whatever food that is in your path will get consumed.  That moment when you lie to yourself and say “I’ll just do this and then tomorrow will be a new day” Been there, done that. That day has turned into years and I can’t waste anymore time. It did make me think about a few things though.  My work, for example:  Have you ever been in a place where you know you make a difference and your supervisors are so unknowing of anything you do, that they think they had the success?  Or have you have ever been in a meeting, excited about a project, and then shared all of your wisdom really believing that people are engaged and listening?  Then, two weeks later, the boss who sat there staring at you, nodding her head emails you and asks, “Have you ever heard about…?”  Yes, it was the damn thing I spent an hour explaining to you two weeks ago!!!!  I hate that kind of crap!  It makes me feel invisible and I think that’s the worse feeling in the entire world.  Most of us want to be seen, really seen.  The other day I was driving through a new coffee stand.  The girl gave me my coffee, I gave her a tip and thanked her, and as I drove off I realized she never looked at me nor did I look at her.  It was a meaningless interaction that took up about 5 minutes of my day.  Then I wondered, how many of those do I have a day.  Pretty soon you begin to realize that your day could easily be sprinkled with meaningless interactions that leave you feeling, well, meaningless.  Take a minute to look someone in the eye and smile.  Take a minute to stop and really notice what is going on around you.  That’s my goal this week, to take the mundane and make it MEANINGFUL.  In my job I see or hear about 60-75 low income people each day.  These are folks that for the most part have failed in life.  No education, abusive relationships, drugs, jail, etc. and the one thing that is common amongst all of them, is their need to be seen.  I can’t tell you the number of times someone has said to me, “You are the first person who has looked me in the eye.”  You would think in social services that wouldn’t be the case, but sadly, it is.  We get too busy directing people.  We have seen “this” before and we know how to handle it.  What we can forget is each person is different and will react to “this” in a different way.  It reminds me of when AIDS first hit, they guys said they missed human touch.  Well, that’s where I am in the world.  I miss being seen.  When you’re fat, you are often overlooked.  Not that you aren’t looked at, just not seen for the YOU, that is amazing under the fat.

Day 4

This is called the Ramblings of a Fat Lesbian Housewife for a reason.  Can someone please explain to me why it’s easier to get prescription narcotics and anti depressants from a doctor than it is to get a kid an antibiotic?  The 10 day near death rule, as I like to call it, has increased to 12-14 days.  For those of you that don’t have children or haven’t had children for many years, when apparently antibiotics were given out like candy and we lived to tell the story, if your child is clearly ill you cannot get an antibiotic for 10 -14 days.  Seriously?  If you get a bladder infection, they give you narcotics. If you get emotional, not crazy, emotional before your period, you can have an anti depressant. I know, it was offered to me. If your child has thick green paste coming from her nose, a fever of 103 and a cough that keeps her (and you) awake all night…ride it out and use steam.  Or my favorite quip from DR. Feel Good, it’s a virus and the antibiotic won’t help it anyway.  Interestingly enough, EVERY time we can pry one from the doctor’s grasp of steel, she is better in 24 hours.  Go figure.